Wednesday, August 15, 2012

I am "wind", but am forced to be "earth" and "water"!

15th of August and 27th of Ramadan and Laylatul Qadr (or what we believe is).

I dream about a lot of animals, all sorts of animals, most wild animals, like elephants, gazelles, tigers, lions, pumas, small and big ones. But don't remember what they do in my dream.

We are in a sort of school, where they talk about the future and I try to find a similar hadith to prove what they talk about. In my dream I think that I find one, but when I wake up I realise that there wasn't any, just an invented one. 

I dream that I am in a big house. My aunt is there, my family, my friend from 10 years ago; Anu, and a lady from Social workers were there. Anu wants me to work with her too. They are using, what I find out later, insects, that invade peoples mind or makes them sick - like magic. I am trying to escape from them. A baby that is there with me is really cute. The baby has a diaper and plays in the house. The baby can't go yet, but is laughing and playing and smiling with me. The baby looks like me when I was a baby. I am with my children too, my husband I think and my sister.  I try to avoid the "insects" or "spider-like flying insects that crawl very fastly around in the appartement". 

 Yesterday I was emotionally instable. I felt alone, weak and I cried about my situation in life. I have no friends who listen to me. All people around me only talk about themselves. Even my so-called sister, my friend, says that she is my sister, but in reality, she uses me only for her own purposes. Once, after six years connections I talked to her and said that she is egotistical and doesn't care. The only effect that had was that she now asks me how I feel when she calls me, that is it. She is not interested in me for real, but she lets me talk for three seconds. And what shall I talk about with her. I can't talk about anything. Not even the weather. All we talk about is her work, I help her with her Swedish language, with her studies, with what she must say. I don't do so much further. She invites us sometimes to eat with her and we talk a little about islam, and I talk a little bit about me, but she don't know me. She doesn't know anyting about my life. She isn't interested. She doesn't know what my kids do, she doesn't know how I live or what I think about. She doesn't know anything about my relationship with people and that I feel alone and isolated. She doesn't know how I feel being emigrated to a foreign country with many problems. She doesn't care. So I cried. Not for long, only for five or ten minutes to my husband. I talked to him that I feel low, because I hadn't slept much the night, only four hours. I told him that I felt that I had no freedom, because I don't have a credit-card or any money to go out and spend. I am supposed to buy Eid-presents, but I haven't yet. I am supposed to buy books for home-schooling, but I haven't. I don't feel allowed, even though I am allowed, because I feel that our budget doesn't allow it with debts and more debts. Late that afternoon I felt asleep and after that I felt better. After breaking the fast I ate much food and also  much sugary stuff. I watched an action-movie, instead of praying. Late that night I started to read Qur'an and I felt much better. I read surah al-Qadr and many more. 

To see animals in your dream represent your own physical characteristic, primitive desires, and sexual nature, depending on the qualities of the particular animal. Animals symbolize the untamed and uncivilized aspects of yourself.

To see a gazelle in your dream symbolizes, grace, speed, and the soul. It also suggests that you should not take life so seriously. Lighten up.

To see a lion in your dream symbolizes great strength, courage, aggression and power. You will overcome some of your emotional difficulties. As king of the jungle, the lion also represents dignity, royalty, leadership, pride and domination. You have much influence over others. You also need to exercise some restraint in your own personal and social life. Alternatively, a lion represents your need for control over others. You have to be in charge.

To see a puma in your dream symbolizes lurking danger, aggression, raw emotions or sometimes death. You need to keep your attitude and emotions in check. Alternatively, the puma represents power, confidence, beauty and/or grace.

To see a tiger in your dream represents power and your ability to exert it in various situations. The dream may also indicate that you need to take more of a leadership role. Alternatively, the tiger represents female sexuality, aggression, and seduction

To see an elephant in your dream indicates that you need to be more patient or more understanding of others. Or perhaps there is a memory that you are holding on to for too long. You need to let go of the past. The elephant is also a symbol of power, strength, faithfulness and intellect. Alternatively, the elephant's introverted personality may be a reflection of your own personality.

To dream about your education symbolizes your desire for knowledge. You are on a higher level that you peers.

To see your aunt in your dream represents family connection, heritage and value. The aunt may also represent aspects of yourself that you like or dislike. She can also be seen as a substitute mother.

To dream that you are defriending someone suggests that your friendships are drifting apart. You are feeling socially disconnected or withdrawn. Alternatively, the dream indicates aspects of your own self that you are rejecting or refusing to acknowledge.

To dream that you have been defriended indicates that you are feeling betrayed.

To dream of an ex-friend suggests that an object or a recent incident has subconsciously reminded you of him or her. Alternatively, the ex-friend represents a lesson you learned from the falling out. You need to apply that lesson to a current issue, problem or relationship.

To dream that you are training someone to take your place suggests that you are moving toward deeper inner development. You are leaving behind old attitudes and are looking toward the future.

To see insects in your dream signify minor obstacles that you must overcome. There are small problems and annoyances that need to be dealt with. You feel that you are under attack. Or something or someone may be "bugging" or pestering you. Alternatively, insects are symbolic of precision, alertness, and sensitivity. You may need to organize your thoughts and sort out your values. Sometimes they are seen as divine messengers.

To perform or dream of magic suggests that you need to look at things from a different view or approach your problems from a new angle in order to successfully move forward. Alternatively, magic symbolizes creativity and wonder. Perhaps someone or something has caused you to be in awe. The dream may also be a metaphor that you or someone is "up to some trick".

To dream of black magic implies that you have obtained your wishes and wants through underhanded tricks. It also symbolizes deception, evil and treachery.

To see a baby in your dream signifies innocence, warmth and new beginnings. Babies symbolize something in your own inner nature that is pure, vulnerable, helpless and/or uncorrupted. If you dream that the baby is smiling at you, then it suggests that you are experiencing pure joy. You do not ask for much to make you happy.

I also remember. I talked about how I felt in relation with my husband. He is like a mountain and air. He wants to be water that forms around the mountain and that is formed by the winds. But the problem is that I not water, my real character is that from the wind. I am very sponaneous, lively, does many stuff in my life in private and in public. I am like a butterfly, everywhere. But now I am like water with vulcanos in under. Sometimes the vulcanos are active and burst into the air, and that isn't pleasant for anybody. They are scared of me. I just can't be a wind too, or could I? How would that be for the children who needs the water to grow? The children are like plants in the earth. I am the earth and the water with vulcanos. I give them nourishement, water and my husband is the wind that swirl them around. If I was the wind too and not the water or the earth, how would the plants survive? They can't. So I am forced to be those things. That makes me tired. I can only be the wind und vaporise into it from the water, when the children are all grown up. 

So. I am not content 100% with my situation. But i can't be like my so-called friend from 10 years who abandoned not only me, but also her husband and religion. I cannot be like my "sister" either and don't care about anybody. I must be loved. THAT is a huge problem. I am a good listener and I listen to everyone. The only thing that I ask for is that somebody is interested in me. Somebody who loves me. Nobody loves me. Nobody take care of me. So I don't care about me either. I don't exercise, I don't go out, I don't enjoy being at home, because I am always at home. I don't have a job. I don't have a social life and I don't have a family that loves me, truly. They only respect me because of my outbursts to everbody. The are afraid of me. But everybody complains - all the time. Who wants to listen to me? None. So I write. I read. I dream at night. I read Qur'an. I try to find a solution that helps me survive this life. I have money. I have a house. I have a husband and healthy children. I travel several times a year. But I love the most being away from my children. How terrible isn't that? When I was in Sweden for two weeks while taking care of my husband when he had been in an accident and couldn't care for himself enough, I left the children and I didn't care about them at all. I loved to stay away from them. Isn't that bad? But I felt free. I could be the wind a little bit. I felt good. After that I came back to Tunisia. I felt very sad and developed a terrible cold, with lung-problems, because I was so sad all the time. I never went out. They guarded me like a diamond and did everything FOR me. I was used to do everything by myself in Sweden. Now i did nothing. I didn't cook. I didn't clean. I didn't go out. I didn't work. I didn't take my children to their school. My parents-in-law did that and my brother-in-law too. I really did nothing, except eat a bit, sleep very badly because I stayed awake the whole night, night after night. I felt alone, sad and terrible bored out. I was depressed. Because when one is active and then must stay passive for a long period, they develop depression. And I had a really long depression with outbursts. Nobody could understand me, except my husbands' cousin. But I only talked to her four times during a whole year. So how can I change my life? I want to change it, but I don't care enough to do it. I don't want that my husband becomes wind and fire when I change into wind again, so I stay away from that. I am earth and water and volcanos instead. 

Like the dream says. I don't ask for much to make me happy. Only somebody who lends me an ear. 

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