Saturday, August 25, 2012

I want to dream about money - what must I do?

25th of August 2012 and 7th of Shawwal 1433. 

I want to see some things in my dreams like for example: 

Money: To see or win money in my dream I have to work on being successful and that my life should prosper. I have to work on my confidence, self-worth, success and values. And the most important thing to believe in myself.  (Dreammoods)

THAT is a problem. I don't believe in myself enough to win over the little obstacles. I don't feel that I if I give a promise, that I will keep the promise, both to myself and others. I have let down so many. When I talk I inspire people, but I can't act fully to what I preach. I want to start a business, or several, but I don't persist the obstacles around me, especially my family. I don't have enough support either, so what do I do. I help other people to achieve something they want and support them instead. 

I don't feel successful, even though I am doing the best work, educating my children. I have even Emigrated for the Sake of Allah alone with my children so that they can prosper and learn islam, arabic and prayer. I help people and they love me for doing so, but I am feeling frustrated when I don't do anything. For one year, when I was together with my husband's family, I got depressed because before I emigrated I was very active in many ways. I worked, I talked to people I socialized, I took my children to kindergarden and school, I talked with people, I had visions, I had hopes. But when I arrived I didn't feel that any longer. I felt kept inside. They didn't wan't me to do anyting. I didn't cook, clean, take my children to school. I didn't go anywhere, see anyone. I was really depressed. 

This year, I am not living together with them. I will not show that I am angry, because it is much easier to not show that you are not content if you don't live with somebody and only visit sometimes. So, I have a reputation and people are scared of me. They are not used to a girl or woman that shows her emotions in that way. I got frustrated because I felt that nobody could understand my situation. Noboby listened to me. The only person who did is a person who is patience when something happens and accepts anyting, even though she is really upset and sad. I don't accept anything and I show that to them. So my reputation is very bad. They don't like me, for real. They couldn't understand me, and they still don't. I am like their son, a rebelllic person. I don't accept anyting that is against islam, or against my principles. I don't accept anything. My husband was the same. I still learn how to be together with his family, but I feel that they aren't listening to me. They just live the way they live. They don't want to change or can't change, because of lack of money, lack of self-esteem or self-confidence. And I am talking about everybody - both men and women. They are brain-washed after Tunisia's ex-dictator Ben Ali, and it is difficult to change it. The same is in Sweden, they are brain-washed by television and movies. They can't even think straight-forward anylonger. They just live. 

But back to how to "being successful, confidence, self-worth, success and values. And the most important thing to believe in myself. How do I do that? I must google it: 

Wikipedia has a lot to say about self-confidence and self-worth. I read that I have to appraise my own worth. For example think, believe and say"I am worthy" but also change my emotions so that I don't feel shame, but rather pride for who  I am. Right now I can't say that I am proud of who I am. I really don't. It is not the facts that counts, but the belief. Perhaps I should try hypnosis to change my belief of my own worth, and give me confidence and guild my self-esteem. Self-love should be easy. It is about a desire to promote my own well-being. But I am poor of marketing my-self and to put my own's best first. I do it passively sometimes, by not taking care of the children for example going out with them and play with them. I kind of punish them I believe. I haven't thought about that until now. But I am - punishing them - somehow. 

Most people that meet me and see what I do and how I work, they say that I am a strong person with self-cofidence. But I can't see that. They say that I have integrity and that I am a good and warm-hearted person. I can see that, but I don't follow my passion or dreams. I only follow what Allah has told me to do. To respect Allah and what he has forbidden and also to obey my husband if we disagree about something that is allowed for me. So the most important thing for me is to use my capacity to convince my husband that the thing I want to do is the right thing to do. But he has given me a lot of chances to do it. The problem is that he doesn't want me to take all my time to entrepreneurial things. I have to remember my family too and be flexible, because my husband is changing his mind over and over again. He is kind, but he wants to help people all the time, and then he needs quite and calm, not a wife that is hectic and full-time working on her projects. So I feel sorrow for him, I listen to him and his needs, more than he listen himself and take responsibility of his well-being and my children's instead of my own. That is a fact. And Allah sees everything that I do, and it is good, but I am not content. Subhanallah. 

If somebody tells me not to think about my family, I can't listen to them. Most people who say that are most of the time having problem with their relationsships, both with their Spouses, boy- or girlfriends or with their relatives. I can't listen to somebody who aren't an example for me. But I could listen to somebody who is fair with her family, but has enjoyed her own desires. I haven't found anyone yet. So please, if you are one of those who have a content husband, work full-time and have children. Please contact me. You MUST be a Muslim too, with veil and everything. 

Bye, bye. 
Salam aleikum

Esma Khammar 

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